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Patiently

Patiently

Here I stand so patiently For your lights to shine on me For your song inside of me This we bring to you

In the shadow of love Time goes by leaving me helpless Just to reach and try To live my life These are my reasons, so Here we stand so patiently For your song inside of me For your lights to shine on me This we bring to you

One, one, in a million

_____________________________

What I find most difficult, and enlightening, through this process is how quickly my mind can go from one extreme to the next. How many times in a day I have to stop and tell myself to just relax.  I talk to myself alot more these days, out loud.  Sometimes the words are encouraging, sometimes not.  But here is the interesting part: I am frustrated with myself for not being disciplined to get all the stuff done that I want to do, and walking around with a frown on my face.

I realize this problem, so I then set out to find a solution.  I decided after some reading online, and reflection, that I am not setting myself up to succeed.  I have to set my schedule differently, with a different goal in mind.  Prior to today, I was leaving the spaces empty where I did not have clients.  During the blank times on my schedule I would say, ok during that time I will work on my art projects, or I will work on some writing, or I will go for a walk, or go to the gym, or whatever I feel like.  Turns out that doesn’t work, duh, I say to myself.  I know this, I tell clients this all the time.  When I was “working”  full time I scheduled everything. But it was “work”.  This is supposed to be relaxing and joyful.

So, the schedule changes, today.  I found an interesting Blog on Positively Positve that was very helpful: http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/02/18/full-potential/

The “Makers” schedule was very enlightening, so I decided to use it.  Certain days of the week will be client days.  Other days will be creative days for projects etc., however, the project will be scheduled and labeled as such.  I will schedule time to play/relax/visit , and time to work out.  I am psyching myself up for this as I know its still going to require discipline.  Working out every day is of course new, and playing every day is absolutely new.   I realize that scheduling everything seems to rigid and that it may seem to be the opposite of just going with the flow or just being in the moment and enjoying this journey, but you have to work with what you have.  I have a brain that is not able to just “BE”.  I would like for that to be so, and I am working on a version of that, I guess.  I could set a time on my schedule to just “BE” but I don’t think I am there yet.

I am proud that I have the ability to determine the issue and then search out a solution.   I also know that I need to be disciplined and stick with the schedule, but will work hard to not beat myself up if I deviate from the schedule.  I know that I can be and do anything, I also know that the only person that can stand in the way of that, is me.  I refuse to do that.  This journey is a long one, I know, but I am up for it.  I will make this adjustment today, and wait for the next bump in the road and know that I will take that in stride as well.

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